Ever since I've started looking into ADHD and Autism because of my kids, I have come to realize that I might have ADHD myself. My oldest is like a steriotypical ADHD kid, but his little brother seems to be somewhere on the spectrum, it really effects his social skills. It was confirmed when we were going through the pre-diagnosis for him, but that doesn't mean he's got a diagnosis, just that they now forward him further up the process. And it was brought to our attention that my oldest wasn't even on a waiting list for ADHD diagnosis (these things seem to need to go through the school system, like they have to agree that it should be looked into, is how it feels) and finally got to meet a behaviour counsler, who finally sent me the ADHD and Autism quiz list for him.
Apparently the 'hyperactivity' tends to be more internal in us females. Came across a youtube channel that had these ADHD shorts that all seemed to ring true for me, making me self analyse and admit that perhaps I do have ADHD after all. Always known that I struggled with attention in certain areas, how often can you leave a room without actually touching the task you intended to do when entering it, and you know you forgot to do it, but you forgot what it was, so now you are retracing your steps to remember what made you realize it was a task you needed to do. Anxiety at the simple thought of the possibility of rejection or disappointment. Absurd avoidance of doing mundane things, procrastinating until you notice that all your time is gone. Cannot clean one room, have to clean them all through little actions: that glass needs to go to the kitchen, that toy should not be in the kitchen, dust in the play area that needs sweeping, oh the trash is full... and not having finished any single area by the end of the day, making it seem like you did nothing all day. Getting overwhelmed by the list of things you have to do that it paralyzes you in inaction, and feeling guilty for not actually doing what you are supposed to, but that does not translate into 'just go do it then', and now you are suddenly "lazy", which adds to the guilt.
I never translated all that behaviour as ADHD until I watched all those videos that felt so relatable...
Apparently there are 3 main types of ADHD according to the internet
- Inattentive type
trouble focusing on and finishing a project, zoning out, struggles to organize, avoids or puts off 'boring' tasks, often forget where you put things or doing daily tasks
- Hyperactive/impulsive type
hard to stay quiet, interupts others, restless or needing to move a lot, struggles with waiting
- Combined type
Mix of hyperactive and inattentive
And I am certain I am the inattentive type
Having a planner seems to be a lifesaver for me, it is only when I skip using it that I tend to fall into repeating cycles of this kind of paralysis, and now all my other tasks wait for me to actually pick up my planner that I have hardly touched since summer vacation started, and the guilt of not keeping up with the diary all that time is somehow making me avoid it even more. It seems so illogical when explaining it.
I have bought so many things for my planner, made so many plans to use the planner, was absolutely obsessed about it in the beginning. And the longer I forget to use it, the more I feel like "it's too late to pick it up again now, I don't remember all the things I haven't put into it already, might as well skip it", but I really can't let myself get into that loop. Im going to power through it after posting things (or that's the plan....)
I do like to imagine that my husband is starting to become more understanding of these traits in me, since he suggested so nicely that I avoid certain things that distract me (like the blackhole of video shorts on facebook or youtube. I really dislike facebook because of all the ways it can distract you) and that I reserve certain projects for certain times of the day, because he knows I fall into them and do nothing else. But that is just a recent thing, often it's just disappointment that I didn't do the one thing he suggested I do even if I had all day to do it, even when I manage to do so many things that I had been avoiding.
I dive deep into things I find interesting, to the extent that it consumes all my time, become a well known presence while Im there, like volunteering to translate Vintage Story to Icelandic, such a fun project, and then I might seem to disappear, because I fell into a new hole when it seems I've explored it completely and find something else interesting to do, because I can't really spread my focus on multiple projects without having some plan.
The 'time timer® TWIST' that I bought has been such a wonderful thing, magnet on it lets it stick to the fridge, it's like the favorite item in the house for tasks for me and my kids. We use it to set time for reading, for screen time (which they earn by reading), when cooking, to break my time into segments so I can actually be productive. The visual representation of how much time has passed or how little is left is interesting, but not as visual as on the other time timers since it's all grayscale, and we usually hide the twister when we use it, because constantly checking it will just be distracting ("Oh, I only have that little time left on the clock, shouldn't bother doing more work") and it'll make noise when time is up.
And now that I have made wonderful plans to help me out of the paralysis....
